Constants

     As mentioned in my previous post I have been struggling with some changes in my life...while adapting to these changes, I haven't been feeling like myself and I haven't been happy. Because of my reaction to this, I feel as though I am resisting the change and ultimately denying growth. I am going to try a couple methods in the next week to see if anything helps these negative feelings I've been having. 

     I am dedicating tonight to "constants"...things that I feel ground me, remind me who I am and make me feel more at home. Despite my extreme feelings I haven't been inspired to write any poetry, so I am writing in journal style for you today as a way to let things out. 

Constants in my life:

1) Tidying my room

        when I tidy my room I come across items that remind me who I am, gifts from close friends, old notes, photographs, favourite books...tonight I came across my "worry dolls" -which are an old comfort for me:

2)Lighting Candles

       Really any candle is comforting but right now I am enjoying the familiarity of my "maple sugar" candle because it reminds me of my old apartment.

3) Spending time with a pet

       My turtle always makes me feel better, and brings me back down to earth if i'm feeling lost- the idea of silent company is a real comfort and something I enjoy as a constant in my life.

4)Beautifying

      When I'm not feeling like myself I find it helps to put on clothes that you feel represent you...a favourite band t-shirt, favourite pair of jeans. Tonight I have my "Magic Sweater" on...which everyone close to me knows is a constant of mine. I also like to spend some time doing my makeup and hair in a way that is familiar to me so that I feel good about myself even if i'm spending the night in.

5)Finally I like to talk to someone I love...as if nothing had changed. It is good to talk about things that are going on presently but when you are going through a big change sometimes it's nice to just talk. Talk about things that you would normally talk about-gossip about people you both know and act as if it hasn't been a while since you've since that person.

So tonight I will be trying all of these strategies...while the rest of the students go to "First Blast" a huge party on campus to kick off the school year. Some would say this is a typical scenario for a recluse, but I really just need tonight to regroup so that I can have a better day tomorrow and hopefully feel better about myself and my surroundings come next week.

Changes

 My room is pink and crowded, my turtle is happier than ever and the ladies just love him.
People have been treating me like gold-letting me drink their beer and showing me where my classes are. I wonder how things are going to pan out but I'm not putting much thought into anything- trying to live in the present. I'm procrastinating on getting my student I.D, gym membership and text books. It will all happen eventually. I slept in and missed my program orientation this morning, instead I watched t.v all morning with the boys ( something that is quite unusual for me but I enjoyed it none the less).

holla if you hear me

Deleting someone off every social media to eliminate the chance of contact/conversation/confrontation-deleting a contact to avoid drunk texts exposing sober feelings. Applauding yourself for your bravery, self respect and independence-"sooo over it" only to find yourself driving by their house 3 times a day to see who's car is in the drive way- a honk and smile, a shout and a finger-stuck straight out the window and high in the air- well how does this show you don't care?

party animal

Dear New Tenant,

In my empty house it smells the same as last october and the floor is sticky with spilt drinks, empty nails distrupt the walls and I'm saying good bye to home all day today and all day tomorrow. I sold my couch for 50 dollars with no regard to memories; conversations and bodies weighing it down, tipping it over. The door doesn't work as well as it once did, a push and pull strategy to lock strangers out and the hole in the screen remains, now blocked by glass restricting air flow to keep animals out. My shampoo and tooth paste lasted my whole lease and now I'm starting new, tossing stale food in black bags where I run them to my old work past midnight -clandestine effect. If I knock on the hard wood under my feet- hollow, for they are leaving too and it's true if we are meant to be together again we will but it still hurts a little knowing we aren't a story apart anymore, I won't be waiting around anymore for foot steps on the stair and balcony visits with boys I grew to adore. But I'll remember fruit kabobs and the roots and urban legends and racooons and cuddling and ignoring and coughing and laughter.

I'll miss the green chair in the laundry room, having to use a wrench to start the dryer and napping while it does it's job.

I'll miss the buzzing of the tattoo machine, the collections of people in my house who wouldn't have been there otherwise-all permanently marked with ink, tainted by the air from my apartment. The late night dancing in the dark and lying to get someone to leave it's really all a blur to me now...from chinese food to strobe lights it just seems right, and I'm sad to let this go.
And when you are sweaty in the night remember it's only an excuse to go outside, breathe that air and hear those noises- listen closely to the voices of the drunk and crazy people on Eramosa hill- begging for rain in the dryest week of summer.
And I don't know you and you don't know me but in a way we are connected-I hope you love apartment D as much as me and I hope you're not too hard on it. It's a sanctuary in many ways: having to take a bath everyday- enjoy it.

Sincerely,
Morgan

6 am

phantom smoke rises
and disperses amongst the glow
of the street lamp
the phantom foot steps hadn't reached
7 minutes later
- maybe they were merely rain drops

my pets

mixed feelings

where is your garden?
I'd like to pick all the flowers
to make you feel empty
for twelve hours
while I tie each stem together
into a blanket over you

Apples

Six fragile cores
resting on her bedside table,
performing the trick of time
before our eyes
growing golder, moments older

flattery

I remember waiting for the shadow
tattooed beneath her eyes
one thousand times
I'd tell her
It was my favourite part of her
and no matter how hard I tried
my iron level was always at par
and my nights-sleep long enough